Introducing Birthmom to the Extended Family
Making Birth and Adoptive Families Comfortable when They Meet
Jan 8, 2009
As open adoptions are a fairly recent development in the adoption world, not everyone is comfortable with the concept of a child having contact with her birthparents. The reality is that adopted children have two families even if the adoption is not open, and it is important to honour both. One way to acknowledge the child’s past and present is to have the birthmother meet the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins of the adopted child.
Helping Extended Family Understand Adoption
The best thing adoptive parents can do is to communicate with their extended family about adoption in general. The book Adoption is a Family Affair [Perspectives Press, 2001] is a great resource for introducing appropriate adoption language, the issues of loss being felt by everyone and also the experience of the adopted child.
Do not disclose anything to extended family that is not already known by the adopted child. Details such as circumstances around birth and conception do not need to be shared and make it clear that these questions are not to be asked of the birthmother either.
Talk about the interests and personality of the child’s birthmother in a non-judgmental way and brainstorm things the adoptive family has in common with the birthmom.
Making the Birthmother Feel Comfortable
Assuming there is already contact between the birth and adoptive parents, it would be helpful to show the birthmother pictures of the extended family before introductions are made. Give her a little bit of information about everyone so she has a sense of the family dynamic when she arrives.
She may also appreciate the reassurance of knowing what the extended family knows of her reasons to have an adoption plan. If she fears the meeting may be too intense for her, talk about cues she can give the adoptive parents to let them know her discomfort.
Meeting Birthmother at a Family Gathering
Not all adoptive parents wish to introduce their child’s birthmother to the rest of the family. There is no perfect time frame or place for such a meeting to occur and each family will differ in how the introductions will happen. Here are some ideas to consider:
- Do meet in a place that is comfortable for everyone such as a park, zoo or the adoptive parent’s home.
- Do have an activity planned such as a meal, outing or a celebration focused on the child.
- Do not have the first meeting at a family event such as Christmas or a religious celebration as the birthmother may feel out of place with family traditions.
- Do meet the birthmother before the event to help her feel comfortable coming to the gathering. It may be appropriate to have the child introduce her to the extended family.
- Do make it clear to everyone whether gifts or mementoes will be exchanged or if the birthmother will be expected to contribute to the event.
Having the extended family meet a child’s birthmom can also be a stressful event for an adopted child. Talk to the child before and after the gathering to address any issues and help her understand the importance of such a meeting. Reinforce that by bringing the child’s two families together she can see all the people who care for her and feel positive about her adoption.
To make the first meeting between a birthmother and the extended adopted family a positive experience, keep things simple, be clear about expectations and celebrate the reason the two families are forever connected. For more information on celebrating open adoptions read Keeping Contact with Birth Family and Thoughtful Gifts for Birthmothers.
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