Staying in touch with an adopted child’s birth family is a frightening prospect for many adoptive parents. However, after the initial reservations are dealt with, some adoptive families discover that having some kind of contact with the birth family is in the child’s best interest over the long term. The nature and frequency of the contact depend on the situation and can also change over time.
Send Emails
Sending short notes by e-mail can be an easy way for adoptive families to maintain contact with members of the birth family. It allows for multiple people to receive the same message and for photos to be sent electronically. If the child receives e-mails from members of the birth family they could be printed and saved, and digital photos should also be printed off and put in a safe place for the child.
Exchange Gifts
It is helpful to have a plan early in the formation of the adoptive family if gifts are going to be exchanged between birth and adoptive families, and by whom. Are the gifts coming from the adopted child or the adoptive family? Will birth siblings get presents on birthdays? Will birth grandparents be recognized at Christmas? Will the adoptive family send a card on Mother’s Day or Birth Mother’s Day?
Send Letters and Photos
Letters are a wonderful way of sharing details like the number of goals the child scored in the tournament and how much the baby weighed at her last doctor’s appointment. Letters can also include artwork that the child has created and photos showing the child enjoying her favourite activities.
Parents should not hesitate to choose really cute photos, ones showing major milestones and others showing the celebration of special occasions. It is also really important to not alter the photo to cover up identifying information such as place names. If the families involved prefer to keep their location undisclosed, choose photos without identifying information.
Plan Visits
For some open adoptions, it may be appropriate for the birth and adoptive families to visit each other at a park, restaurant or even at each other’s homes. It is best to set up a definite time, be clear about how long the visit will be and to have some kind of activity nearby such as a playground or zoo. It is also very important to follow through on these planned visits to avoid disappointment and hard feelings between the families.
Make Phone Calls
Some adoptive families prefer to keep in touch with their child’s birth family by talking with each other on the phone. The child may want to talk on the phone sometimes, but it is not a good idea to force him to have a conversation with any member of the birth family. At certain times, particularly if there are questions the child wants answered, it may be more appropriate for the child to write a letter to the birth family.
The most important thing to remember about maintaining contact with an adopted child’s birth family is to start as one intends to continue, and to not set up expectations that cannot be met by everyone. With the help of adoption agencies and professionals there are ways of keeping this very important connection for the child for years to come.
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